"Resurrection," Piero della Francesca, 1463
"Christ has offered one single sacrifice for sins, and then taken his place forever, at the right hand of God, where he is now waiting until his enemies are made into a footstool for him. By virtue of that one single offering, he has achieved the eternal perfection of all whom he is sanctifying." -- Hebrews 10:12-14
In the spirit of the great mystery of the Easter season, Raised by Wolves will preview the '07 MLB campaign according to the resurrections (and the inverse of resurrections, rotting corpses) within each division. Here's hoping that your team is resurrected, and not a rotting corpse (even you, Cubs fans).
NL West
Tightly packed mediocrity is the name of the game. Can the fogies (Ari's Randy Johnson and SF's Steroid Bear) bring their teams to contention? Probably not, so the Padres will dully limp their way to the division and get swept in the first round again.
It feels like SD, LA, Ari, SF, and Col, but not much difference between them.
Resurrections:
Steroid Bear - So everyone hates you, you're coming off gimpy knee surgery and the hardest season that even your hellfire-hardened soul has gone through. What do you do? Come back in excellent shape so you can absolutely smash through Hank Aaron's record. It would be tragic, but beautiful, like synchronized swimmers drowning, if the last 98 MPH fastball of the Unit's career bounced off Steroid Bear's noggin while the Unit's balky back snapped in two. All I'm saying is, that's a heck of a Hall of Fame plaque, way better than what they have now.- Marcus Giles - the Braves' trash is the Padres' new treasure, as they get a decent 2b for bargain basement prices (1 yr, $3.25m), which would only have gotten you about one third of Mark Derosa.
Randy Johnson - So, you're 41, going on 42. This is your second offseason with surgery. You came off a bad year, albeit pitching in a tougher division. But, nobody writes you off because you've made a career out of being a freak of human physiology. Technically, you should have been DONE about 5 years ago. The Unit can just as easily be in the "resurrection" pile above, except for the fact that he looks like a rotting corpse. He'll probably get a bunch of strikeouts with an ERA in the mid 4.00s.
C - Josh Bard, SD, 1b - Adrian Gonzalez, SD, 2b - Jeff Kent, LA, 3b - Garret Atkins, Col
SS - Rafael Furcal, LA, LF - Steroid Bear, SF, CF - Mike Cameron, SD, RF - Matt Holliday, Col
SP - Brandon Webb, Ari, Randy Johnson, Ari, Jason Schmidt, LA, Jake Peavy, SD,
Chris Young, SD
RP - Trevor Hoffman, SD
NL Central
The Cardinals proved that it's not the best team in the regular season, but the one playing the best ball in October that wins, adding the corollary of "it's good to play against opponents that put up the resistance of a wet sack" (thank you Padres and Tigers). They managed to get weaker in the offseason, and the Cubs spent a pot of gold on free agents. Raised by Wolves is not buying the hype from Milwaukee, as much fun as it would be to have another Midwest team in the playoffs.
Chi, StL, Hou, Mil, Pit, Cin. Yes, I'm actually picking the Cubs to win it. They have less holes in their pitching in a pitching-thin division.
Resurrections:
- Derrek Lee - the real engine for the Cubs' offense, since new acquisition Soriano will only exacerbate the team's weakness, plate discipline. Anybody who goes through that much undeserved personal tragedy, you root for.
- Cubs bullpen - So with the sackful of cash spent (on a CF and 2 SPs), none of that was spent on a closer? Do we really need to recount the Ryan Dempster experience?
- Mark Mulder - Cards are hoping he regains his mojo, but his shoulder might be done. Sad thing, he's only 29.
- Milwaukee Brewers playoff hype (?) - No. They're not as consistently good as the Phillies, and the Phillies haven't made the playoffs since '93.
Best version of the NL CentralC - Michael Barrett, Chi, 1b - Albert Pujols, StL, 2b - Adam Kennedy, StL, 3b - Aramis Ramirez, Chi, SS - Adam Everett, Hou (only for defense)
LF - Jason Bay, Pit, CF - Alfonso Soriano, Chi, RF - Lance Berkman, Hou
SP - Roy Oswalt, Hou, Chris Carpenter, StL, Carlos Zambrano, Chi, Rich Hill, Chi, Aaron Harang, Cin
RP - Francisco Cordero, Mil
NL East
Last year was the Mets' year. End of story. Can they get over the hangover from losing a tough series? More importantly, can they overcome losing Pedro? Phillies fans will hate it every minute, but they're the favorites coming in.
Phi, NYM, Fla, Atl, Was. The Nationals are going to be historically bad.
Resurrections:Miguel Cabrera - Now that he's finally coming in with the understanding that he has to actually stay in shape during the offseason, all the Pujols comparisons might come true. What is it with young millionaires and McDonalds, anyway?
Rotting corpses:
Pedro Martinez - The most dominant pitcher I've ever seen in a 5-6 year period (Clemens and Maddux never had a run like Pedro did from '97-'02), but he's probably done. Sorry bro, there's no bounceback from a torn rotator cuff.
Best version of the NL East
C - Brian McCann, Atl, 1b - Ryan Howard, Phi, 2b - Chase Utley, Phi, 3b - Miguel Cabrera, Fla
SS - Jose Reyes, NYM, LF - Pat Burrell, CF - Carlos Beltran, NYM, RF - Andruw Jones, Atl
SP - Cole Hamels, Phi, Tom Glavine, NYM, John Smoltz, Atl, Dontrelle Willis, Fla, Brett Myers, Phi
RP - Billy Wagner, NYM
AL East
NYY, bye, bye. Raised by Wolves can't get behind the Yankees winning the division again with a starting rotation that includes a broken Andy Pettitte, a crappy Carl Pavano, and gas-guzzling Japanese import Kei Igawa. It's unfortunate, though, that Boston had to become the very Evil Empire that they despise to reach the summit, just like Yoda said would happen if you embraced the Dark Side. The lesson as always, don't mess with Yoda's lunch.
Bos, NYY, Tor, TB, Bal.
Resurrections:- Daisuke Matsuzaka - Dice-K comes in with better stuff and pedigree than Nomo did in '95, when Nomo led the LAD to a division title and won ROY. Matsuzaka has the same slow-whip, funky delivery but more heat on the fastball, a splitter, and the "gyroball," the firm existence of said pitch residing somewhere in the area code of Amelia Earhart, my vertical leap, and El Chupacabra.
- The good thing about the Yankees falling out of contention is that it means ARod will be a fantasy force again. Hugs and kisses for everybody!
- Yankee starting rotation - "Geez, I can smell you from over here." - Texas Ranger, from "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"
- Curt Schilling -Admits that he didn't pay attention to his conditioning because he was devoting more time to his... video game company. By the way, you're 40 years old, way past whatever statute of limitations there is on miraculous bloody anklets. Fattiness aside, Schill's blog is a pretty great read, particularly the analysis of his pitch sequences.
C - Jorge Posada, NYY, 1b - David Ortiz, Bos, 2b - Robinson Cano, NYY, 3b - ARod, NYY
SS - Derek Jeter, NYY, LF - Manny Ramirez, Bos, CF - Vernon Wells, Tor, RF - Carl Crawford, TB, DH - Jason Giambi, NYY
SP - Roy Halladay, Tor, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Bos, Erik Bedard, Bal, Chien-Ming Wang, NYY, Mike Mussina, NYY
RP - Jonathan Papelbon, Bos
AL West
The Angels, after signing good free agent deals (which have gotten worse over the years), have had their window of opportunity quashed by unwilling to part with prospects that never seem to pan out, while the gestalt-minded A's grind to 90 win seasons no matter what the personnel loss (the overrated Zito, this time). Actually, you can insert "Rangers" or "Mariners" in the that first sentence, but the outcome is always the same: A's win. Raised by Wolves is sad that superstars like Vladdy Daddy and Ichiro! are wasting away their prime in loser outposts, and invite them to a happy summer on the south side of Chicago, some time soon. Just putting that out there.
Oak, LAA, Tex, Sea, just like last year.
Resurrections:- Mike Piazza - the Ahn Fantasy Baseball Favorite. Muhahaha. Plus, those blond tips will go over waay better in Cali then in NY, Mikey. 30 bombs and 100 RBI, Comeback Player of the Year, here we come.
- Rich Harden - the A's really, really think that THIS will finally be the year he stays healthy. Really. They promise. Why not trade him and let someone else deal with the headache? Two straight years of substantial injury time is not bad luck, it's Kerry Wood.
Eric Gagne - dude, it was a great run. Thanks for the memories, if only for bringing back goggles into professional sports again.- Gary Matthews, Jr. - Angels sign him to 5/$55m after a career year, then find out that this 180-lb looking dude is accused of steroid use. Sweet.
Best version of the AL West
C- Mike Piazza, 1b - Mark Teixeira, Tex, 2b - Ian Kinsler, Tex, 3b - Chone Figgins, LAA
SS - Michael Young, Tex, LF - Nick Swisher, Oak, CF - Ichiro, Sea, RF - Vlad Guerrero, LAA
DH - Raul Ibanez, Sea
SP - John Lackey, LAA, Dan Haren, Oak, Felix Hernandez, Sea, Ervin Santana, LAA, Rich Harden, Oak
RP - J.J. Putz, Sea
AL Central
In the toughest division in baseball, the Sox can finish anywhere from first to fourth. Considering the issues around an old/overused pitching staff and an offense that is bound to regress after a stellar year, it looks like closer to fourth than first. But, Detroit looks like they have World Series sweep hangover. Minnesota wins with a proven formula of Santana + defense + tough homefield, but they've lost Liriano for the year. Raised by Wolves thinks the Cleveland Native Americans are ready to take their turn, but can't stomach their awful bullpen and field manager. Even KC is playing guys with actual talent, now. It'll be another wild finish, with the top two advancing to the post season.
Min, Cle, Chi, Det, KC
Resurrections:
- Gary Sheffield - Great trade, paying just for a year, and addressing an obvious on-base percentage deficit in the lineup. This has "Thome traded to the Sox in '06" written all over it.
Rotting corpses:- Scott Podsednik - Despite being OddTodd's favorite, he seems to have ceased to do anything well on a baseball field, the proof being perennial rotting corpse Darin Erstad (DARIN ERSTAD) looking like an all-star in comparison. Winning is great, but Raised by Wolves thinks the Sox playing only 8 in the field might be too prohibitive. My kingdom for an Ichiro.
- Cleveland bullpen - You underperform by 11 wins (according to Pythagoras) in 2006, mostly due to relief pitching, so naturally you pick up Joe Borowski and Roberto Hernandez, and invite Keith Foulke to spring training for 2007, maybe accidentally thinking this was 2001? or 1999?
- Kenny Rogers - please get this overrated ragarm soft-tosser out of my house, please. Cuz he kills my team. Blood clot? Maybe it's all that "resin" you have on your hand.
C - Joe Mauer, Min, 1b - Justin Morneau, Min, 2b - The Gooch, Sox, 3b - Joe Crede, Sox
SS - Carlos Guillen, Det, LF - Gary Sheffield, Det , CF - Grady Sizemore, Cle, RF - Jermaine Dye, Sox, DH - Jim Thome, Sox
SP - Johan Santana, Min, Jon Garland, Sox, Jeremy Bonderman, Det, Justin Verlander, Det, C.C. Sabathia, Cle
RP - Joe Nathan, Min
Baseball's back! Happy Easter!
