But.
Colbert-style.
That means, of course, using The DaColbert Code.
AL West
Predicted finish: Oak, Angels, Tex, Sea
Oakland's got the best pitching this side of the White Sox, enough to edge out an Angels team with some injury and age issues. No surprise if the Angels finish first instead, however.
Best acquisition: Brad Wilkerson, Tex
The swag from the Soriano trade, whose OPS skillz should prosper mightily in the HappyFunBall palace that is the Ballpark at Arlington. Oh, and Tejas got to save a bundle of cash, too.
Worst acquisition: Brian Lawrence, Tex
It might not be a great idea to trade for a *flyball* pitcher to the aforementioned HappyFunBall palace. Especially when you gave up a young groundball pitcher for him.
American League West...
Kanye West...
Common...
Uncommon Grounds...
coffee...
Starbucks...
Seattle! And for good measure, hit Ichiro!! third. Oh, if this code got into the wrong hands...
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AL East
Predicted finish: Bos, Tor, Bal, NYY, TB
Big holes in each of the contenders, but Boston seems to have the fewest, with a decent starting rotation (Beckett, Schilling, Clement, Wells, Papelbon + Wakefield) and they're still gonna score runs. Also, I hate the Yankees.
Best acquisition: Coco Crisp, Bos + Wily Mo Pena, Bos
Boston replaces Captain Caveman's production for pennies on the dollar, gets a useful part for a fungible pitcher (Arroyo), and two of the best baseball names at no extra charge. Isn't Nuke Logan still out there?
Worst acquisition: AJ Burnett, Tor
Darren Dreifort, part 2. Right on cue, he's even starting the season on the DL.
American League East...
East of Eden...
John Steinbeck...
Grapes of Wrath...
Battle Hymn of the Republic...
Civil War...
warlord...
George Steinbrenner...
Yankees?! Dammit! Even The DaColbert Code wants the Yankees to win.
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AL Central
Predicted finish: Cle, Chi, Min, Det, KC
Yah, I know I'm a White Sox fan, but I just don't see them staying injury free like they did last year. But, we still make the playoffs and win the World Series. Duh. Cleveland looks strong, aside from the bullpen.
Best acquisition: Javy Vazquez, Chi
Sox bolster the rotation with insurance just in case Contreras falls on his face without other Cubans around. Can Man Soo Lee just lie and *say* he's Cuban?
Worst acquisition: KC's entire free agency class
Scott Elarton, Reggie Sanders, Joe Mays, Mark Grudzielaniek, and Doug Mientkiewicz is a lot of money for 65 wins, and jersey lettering, now that I look at it.
American League Central...
central air conditioning...
shampoo + conditioner...
Pert Plus...
positive charge...
proton pack...
Ghostbusters...
Bill Murray...
Harold Ramis...
Dan Aykroyd...
Blues Brothers...
Chicago! Heck yes.
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NL West
Predicted finish: SD, SF, LA, Ari, Col
The ugly stepsister of MLB. Like when Jacob finally worked off seven years of labor for Laban to marry Rachel, but got stuck with Leah instead. Ya feel like somebody is getting screwed over because *someone* from this decrepit division gets to go to the playoffs (Philly fans feel me). Anybody but the Rockies can "win" it.
Best acquisition: Mike Piazza, SD
It's not the best signing, but... the Angels couldn't have used him DH? Petco is going to suppress his power, and he never was a Gold Lover behind the plate, but it's only for a year plus an option.
Worst acquisition: Shawn Estes, SD
Or, as the Doc likes to say, "Shawn Testes." Still doing the ghost of Jaime Navarro proud. Definitely the crappiest white pitcher I've ever seen. Yah, I got a list for that too.
National League West...
Best Western...
motel...
road trip...
Tom Green...
Green Lantern...
Jack O Lantern...
Halloween...
Michael Myers...
Austin Powers...
James Bond...
Barry Bonds...
SF. Ugh. Have fun, Jacobs of the National League.
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NL East
Predicted finish: Atl, NY, Phi, Fla, Was
Hard to believe Atl is going for their *15th* division title in a row. Ridiculous. Too bad Florida has twice as many titles in the same span.
Best acquisition: Carlos Delgado, NY
Sure wish the Sox got him instead of Thome, even tho Del-got-it has some tendinitis issues in the spring.
Worst acquisition: Alfonso Soriano, Was
I read an article about the Yankees when Soriano first came up with them, and they were talking about moving him to the outfield. They asked Jeter about it, and he said, no, they shouldn't do it, because he doesn't have great depth perception. Now, Jeter just happened to be on the field throwing warm-up tosses to Soriano. He says, watch this to the writer, and throws a ball 2 feet above Soriano's head. Alfonso, allegedly, didn't even move to compensate, just watched the ball sail over his head. I know that's not scientific fact, but... that doesn't give me a lot of hope. Also, the Nationals play in a huge park that's going to suppress his power.
National League East...
Easter Bunny...
Bugs Bunny...
Space Jam...
Black Jesus...
Air Jordan shoes...
Spike Lee...
NY. All that spending finally pays off. The DaColbert Code sure loves the big markets.
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NL Central
Predicted finish: Hou, StL, Mil, Chi, Pit, Cin
Mil is the popular darkhorse pick, but I think Clemens resurfaces like a horror-flick villain and takes Houston to the promised land again, if he hasn't hit the BBQ too hard by then.
Best acquisition: none. I tried, really, but Preston Wilson doesn't do it for me. Some really middling acquisitions in this division. Jacque Jones on the Cubs? St. Louis signing Prince Sidney Ponson? Yikes.
National League Central...
Central Park...
joggers...
wristbands...
wristwatch...
watch dog...
dog crap...
ChiCubs. Hey, maybe the first decade of the millennium is when all of the curses *do* die.
Award winners and playoff predictions next week. Hey! Baseball's here!
