weight watchers

I referenced the All-Fat team on a previous post, so I figured I should reveal the rest of the team. It's one team out of many from baseball conversations with my bro, which have also birthed the All-Hefty White Man Team, the All-Time Afros Team, and All-Time Players We Hate Team.

The parameters were simple: had to be on a major league roster this year, had to be "fat," not just "big." So, no Lance Berkman or Jim Thome on here. (An All-BigBoned Team would straight up kill folks.) Also, I tried picking halfway decent players; it's no fun if you're fat AND you're no good.

Here's the lineup:
1. Ronnie Belliard, 2b, Cle - Height: 5-8 Weight: 197
.276, 4 HRs, 29 RBI, quite the Sox-killer, and following in the footsteps of fellow Cleveland 2b Carlos Baerga on the All-Fat Team.

2. Kevin Mench, OF, Tex - Height: 6-0 Weight: 225
.291, 11 HRs, 35 RBI, and the biggest head in the majors (8.5 hat size). God bless ya, Kevin.

3. Miguel Tejada, SS, Bal - Height: 5-9 Weight: 213
.332 15 HRs, 49 RBI. Middle infielders are difficult to pick cuz they're all little guys. Miggy's not even fat, I just put him on here because I can't believe he's 213 lbs. He must be incredibly dense, like gold or uranium.

4. Miguel Cabrera, 3b, Fla - Height: 6-2 Weight: 246
.339, 9 HRs, 43 RBI. Media guide lists him as 210, but he says he's closer to 246, was 260 at the beginning of the season.

5. Adam Dunn, OF, Cin - Height: 6-6 Weight: 275
.229, 19 HRs, 36 RBI, .557 SLG and built like a tight end. A tight end that never works out.

6. Prince Fielder, Mil - Height: 6-0 Weight: 260
His daddy was a long time member. 854 OPS, *4 stolen bases* (!?)

7. Matt Stairs, OF, KC - Height: 5-9 Weight: 215
.255, 5 HRs, 21 RBI. If a fire hydrant became a man, it would look like this.

8. Bengie Molina, C, Tor - Height: 5-11 Weight: 225
.292, 5 HRs, 16 RBIs. Catchers are hard to pick because they're ALL pudgy. I want to see this guy and Paul Konerko in a footrace.

The pitching staff... is quite formidable
Starters
Carlos Zambrano, ChiC Height: 6-5 Weight: 255
5-3, 2.93 ERA, 97 Ks in 92 IP. And a face only a mother can love.

C.C. Sabathia, Cle Height: 6-7 Weight: 290
5-2, 2.62 ERA, 1.11 WHiP. Once all that beef gets moving, he can throw at 100 MPH.

Livan Hernandez, Was Height: 6-2 Weight: 245
5-6, 5.06 ERA. Having a bad year this year, but has traditionally been an excellent rubber-armed innings-eater. Just an excellent eater in general, apparently. I didn't *think* they had KFC Buffets in Livan's native Cuba, but...

Sidney Ponson, StL Height: 6-1 Weight: 250
4-1, 3.54 ERA. A bounceback year for the Prince of Aruba in StLoo.

Bartolo Colon Height: 5-11 Weight: 250
Currently on the DL, but the 2005 Cy Young winner. Or, as I like to call him, Andre the Giant.

The bullpen gets even richer and thicker.
Bobby Jenks, ChiW Height: 6-3 Weight: 280
2-1, 2.93 ERA, 18 saves, 33 K in 27.2 IP. Immortalized as the poster boy for the All-Fatty Team when his manager called for "da Beeg Boy" in the World Series.

Bob Wickman, Cle Height: 6-1 Weight: 240
1-1, 2.95 ERA, 9 saves.
Proving once and for all that baseball players are not necessarily athletes.

That's a pretty good team, definitely a division winner and a playoff contender. Balls hit to the outfield would be quite an adventure, as would be getting to routine grounders, but good power and excellent pitching.