Greek philosophy + MLB 2008 (American League)

The Greek philosopher Demetri Martin once said that he stopped being interested in sports when he realized that instead of the actual teams playing, he'd rather see the actual animals fight than teams with those names.

In that spirit, like a Roman gladiator cage match gone wrong, we pick the losers for the 2008 major league baseball season.

AL Central
The contenders: White Sox, Indians, Royals, Tigers, Twins

The clear losers are the linen (White Sox) and the anemic inbreds (Royals). The Twins have a disadvantage in that there can only be two, or multiples of two. That doesn't make any sense, but it seems limiting to me. The battle royale is between the Indians and the Tigers, but I have to give the edge over the ferocious carnivores over the aboriginal Americans or denizens of the Asian subcontinent, although a battle between Indians from India and Tigers would give the Tigers less of a home field advantage.

WINNER: Tigers

This makes so much sense. Those Greeks know what they're talking about.

AL East
The contenders: Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays, Rays, Orioles

Instant elimination goes to the apparel (sorry defending champs) and the marine life (Rays). I don't how to stage a battle between a Ray and birds, unless you get a bunch of guys named Ray together, which potentially could be quite formidable. The fowls cancel out, and it unfortunately only leaves the Yankees as the winners, although I think this can depend on the quality of the gathered Rays. Ray Charles? Not a good pick. Ray Romano? C'mon. Ray Winstone? Maybe. Jamie Foxx who played Ray Charles? Better. Sugar Ray Leonard? Now we talkin'.

WINNER?: Yankees, dark horse Rays

AL West
The contenders: Angels, Athletics, Mariners, Rangers

A battle between the Texas hardened Rangers and the swarthy Mariners sounds great, but the eventual victor would fall to the celestial power of ethereal spiritual beings, I think. Even if these are the Texas Rangers with Chuck Norris. But there's no roundhouse kicking archangels, I think, even Angel from the X-Men. I have no idea what an Athletic is. Oakland has a white elephant on its team patch. Nothing makes sense.

Winners: Angels in a landslide, even over Chuck Norris.


But I can't leave without this spectacular picture of Chuck: